Awkward spaces and empty seats

On public transportation across the world, an unspoken rule exists: when possible, leave an empty seat between yourself and the next passenger.

People will stand uncomfortably by doors, bags pressing into their sides, rather than take an open spot next to a stranger. They'll pretend to be deeply engrossed in phones to avoid eye contact. They create invisible bubbles in these shared spaces.

This empty seat phenomenon extends beyond trains and buses. It's present in cafés where people leave tables between occupied ones. In movie theaters where couples maintain buffer zones. In parks where individuals carefully space themselves on benches. And for the gentlemen... the same rule applies in public toilets when using the urinals.

The empty seat isn't just physical – it's the space deliberately maintained between people. A buffer zone of comfort that might actually be keeping us from the very connections we secretly crave.

In a world where we can connect digitally with people across the globe, we've somehow forgotten how to bridge the gap with the person sitting right beside us.

My Six Years of Solitude

From 2017 to 2023, I lived in Singapore but barely connected with anyone. In those 6 years, I had fewer than ten friends I'd actually spend time with.

It was lonely and stressful, so I told myself it was just because I was introverted, an alien in a foreign country – that's just how I am, and I won't be able to change. In a city full of people, I often found myself wandering alone with no purpose.

By the end of 2023, I moved to Japan. I made a decision: I didn't want to spend the next few years without friends to hang out with. I didn't want to feel lonely and miserable anymore. Because deep down I knew it wasn't about my personality; it was about my approach.

Choosing Connection

Instead of waiting for connections to happen, I started being genuinely curious about others, asking thoughtful questions, and showing real interest in their answers. I pushed myself to join communities and events, and to be more approachable in social settings.

The result? When I showed authentic interest in others, they became interested in me too. In just one year with this new mindset, I've made more meaningful connections than in all six previous years combined.

Creating "third places" – spaces beyond home and work where meaningful social interactions can happen – became essential for combating my urban loneliness.

The hard truth

Being in a city with no friends doesn't mean being isolated forever. Sometimes the difference between loneliness and connection isn't where you live or who you meet – it's how open you choose to be when opportunities arise.

In a city full of empty seats, the most beautiful friendships start when we choose to sit next to each other.

If I could go back in time to the year 2017, I would tell my 24 year old self:

Take a look around you. Maybe someone have been waiting for you to sit down?

I hope you find this insightful. Remember:

It's not going to be easy,
But it's not impossible.

Your friend,
Brian.